An Interview with Link

Interview with the Hero of Time


SMJ: Good evening. I am your host for tonight, SupremeMasterJ, otherwise known as the SupremeMasterOfGames. Here with me tonight is a legendary man. He has become one of Nintendo’s most profitable characters, and has become well known throughout the gaming world. He has been in games for over 20 years now, and he is still going strong. He has stared in every Nintendo Zelda title, and in a few ill-fated Phillips CDi games-
Link: Don’t talk about the CDi.
SMJ: Oh, bad memories?
Link: Yes. Don’t talk about them.
SMJ: Oh, very well. Ehem. Fan Girls and Gentlemen. I give you the Hero Of Time himself, Link!
[Pause as Fan Girls cheer and several members of the crowd faint.]
Link: Hi.
SMJ: Security, keep those Fan Girls under control. Right, we on air? We’re on air. Okay.
Link: Ready yet?
SMJ: We are now! Okay! Link! The Legend! Welcome!
Link: Its good to be here Jonny.
SMJ: Please. Its SupremeMasterJ or Jon.
Link: Whatever ya say, Jonny.
SMJ: Okaay… This is going to be a LOONG night…
[Link just stares at SMJ]
SMJ: On with the questions. Link! 20 years! That’s a long time to go in the Video Game industry.
Link: Yes, its been quiet an adventure.
SMJ: As we all know, in games terms not every “Link” in each game is the same one, but you play all of them in the games, right?
Link: Yes I do. Well, all the Adult Links. My co-star, Young Link, takes the younger roles.
SMJ: I see. Well, for someone who has to be at least 36 years old, you look very young.
Link: Yeah, well…
SMJ: What’s your secret.
Link: It’s a secret. If I told you, I’d have to kill you.
SMJ: Ah ha ha! Very good.
Link: I’m serious.
SMJ: Moving swiftly on… I hear Ganondorf is in the new game.
Link: Yeah, Ganny got rehired.
SMJ: Erm… “Ganny”?
Link: Yeah. You see there are 2 actors for the King of Evil. Ganondorf, or as I call him, Ganondork, and Ganon, or as I call him, Ganny.
SMJ: I see.
Link: Yeah, so Ganny came first. He was a right laugh. He can do this thing with milk… nevermind. Anyway, so in Ocarina of Time, Shigeru Miyamoto comes up and says he wants Ganon to have a more “Human” feel, so he hires this dude Ganondork. Now, Ganondork and Ganny didn’t get on well. Ganny refused to do a speaking part, which is why he never says anything. Anyway, Ganondork got enough cash from Ocarina to live well, so he quit. Also, Zelda threw a right hissy fit.
SMJ: Zelda threw a hissy fit?!
Link: Yeah. She complained Shiek got to do all the cool stuff. You see they hired a different actress to play Shiek.
SMJ: Actress? So Shiek is a woman?
Link: Duh! Only an idiot would think Shiek is a guy. Come on! For a start, its only Zelda in disguise. She doesn’t a sex change or anything. Also, do you hear her when she jumps? That’s not a dudes voice.
SMJ: What about the erm… “chest” issue?
Link: Yeah, so people think Shiek was dude because of the chest. Well… the thing is… And Zelda is going to kill me for this… Zelda is flat chested!
SMJ: What?!
Link: Yeah! You see her in the dress? Its all padding! Ganny has bigger “assets” than Zelda! They would have used Zelda for Shiek, but she wouldn’t wear red contact lenses.
SMJ: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Shiek is a woman, and Zelda is flat chested.
Link: Anyway, so Zelda quit, I needed a break, and Young Link was doing well, so I let him have a game to himself. That was Majora’s Mask. I did a cameo as Fierce Deity Link though. I spent HOURS in makeup.
SMJ: Young Link is your cousin in real life, is that right?
Link: Yeah, that’s right. Well good old Ganny came back for Oracle of Ages and Seasons. Also, Zelda calmed down a bit so she returned. But again, she was pretty helpless and she threatened to quit for good. She did Four Sword then disappeared for year. We hired Young Zelda for Wind Waker. She’s Zelda’s younger sister in real life. Anyways, she was a sweet kid, but since it would have been weird for an Adult Link and a Young Zelda to be in the same game I let Young Link take this one too. However, the camera went weird and we got some really strange graphics on that game.
Anyway, they re-did a few of the old games and I returned in Minish Cap, but the old gang really got back together on Twilight Princess. Ganondork and Ganny have become friends now, and you can hear them singing into the night when they’ve been at the bottle.
SMJ: Alcohol?
Link: No, Blue Potion. That stuff will make you blind, I tell you. Ganny has a recipe for it. I stick to the Red Potion myself. Its good for you apparently.
SMJ: Well, time for one last question. What happened to Navi?
Link: What do you mean?
SMJ: We haven’t seen a fairy in a game for a long time now.
Link: I didn’t do it.
SMJ: Sorry?
Link: The Police agree with me. It was suicide.
SMJ: You mean Navi killed herself?
Link: Yeah. Sliced herself up with the Master Sword.
SMJ: How could a fairy use the Master Sword? Wait… It was you! You killed Navi!
Link: IT! WAS! SUICIDE!
SMJ: Okay, okay! Calm down!
Link: No one liked that stupid fairy anyway.
SMJ: Well, I thought she was good fun…
Link: I hate you.
SMJ: And that’s all we have time for! Join me next time when I interview Albert Wesker!
Link: That’s it I’m outta here…